Quote of the day (27 June 2021) - Fear of death

The very first moment you appeared in your mum's womb was already the beginning of death itself, there is no cure or reversal to this but at least you can try your very best to live life to the fullest as possible. And are you a believer of next life? Well, let me ask you, do you remember your past life, what are your past life dreams and goals, do you remember? If next life and rebirth exists and people can totally remember who they were and what they had done, will people still work hard for their dreams and relationships knowing that you can bring the to-do list over to next life? What if you rebirth into some other person or animal, then you won't get a chance to continue where you left off in previous life.

So there is only this lifetime where you had conscious of who you are and know what you are doing, better make this life counts or else there is no next chance. Death will come for everyone, nobody will miss this last train ride of life but if you fail to start living a life you truly wanted, it will be gone, truly gone when you're about to kick the bucket.

For me, i only start to live at an age of around 26. During my younger days, since start of teenage, i had been living in the world of fear, anger and hatred. A lot of things i quickly gave up trying due to fear of failure, fear of consequences, not willing to take risks and put in effort. A lot of relationships were torn or never built up in the first place because i get angry easily and anger sometimes leads to a lot of hatred built up within and it dictates a lot of regretable actions i had done. I led a self-destructive lifestyle coupled with my poor health, game and porn addictions. I was also very stubborn, not willing to change my ways for the better despite meeting good people who tried to shine a light into my path. My mental health also suffered as i couldn't sleep every night, fearing that i will die alone, no friends or family around, or i will spent the night hurting people in my mind.

That self-destructive lifestyle was finally ended when two big life-changing events occurred and made me realized i am actually not living a life i truly or close to what i wanted but instead, was just a living vessel of self-destruction. The two events i'd mentioned earlier were the passing of my grandma and my own close shave with death. Firstly, the passing of my grandma made me realized that life is fragile and death is bound to happen to everyone, and i start to think will i leave this world as an unhappy man with many knots and unfinished tasks or a satisfied man who had lived his true purpose and accomplished most of what he had wanted. And the close shave with death was actually a very random moment in my life which i thought i'm gonna passed away.

One morning i was home alone, sitting down on my sofa resting and when i tried to stand up, i felt giddy and soon my whole face went numb, then my limbs, and i could clearly feel my heart slowing rapidly. I sat down but the numbness intensified, my heart was still slowing, my head was spinning heavier and i broke out in cold sweats, then what comes after was that i couldn't feel my face anymore but i can still gasped for air. As i was suffering, i was thinking, was this going to be my end but i don't want to give up so i crawled to my phone to dial ambulance, then a thought came to me that what if i couldn't be saved in time so i switched to calling my mum to say my last words first. I couldn't reached her after a few calls, then as i felt weaker, i thought that i'm done, i had finished my life as a blank piece of paper, i had not changed for the better and had yet to achieved anything, had not truly live my life and so i crawled to my sofa and wait for the darkness to cover my eyes.

As my breathe grew heavier, another thought came to mind and told me not to give up and don't die at a young age of 22 so i turned towards the altar beside me, i was buddhist by the way, i prayed to 观世音菩萨 (Bodhisattva of Compassion) that i wanted to live on. As i prayed, i felt my condition improved and after awhile, i was able to feel my body and my heart beating at regular pace. Although drenched in sweat, i was very thankful to 观世音菩萨 for giving me a second chance in life. This incident i didn't shared to anyone before but i do now because i do not want people to see death so upclose then they realized they need to change to make their life and as an individual better, it's probably too late by that time if you don't make it so better change earlier when you are healthy and kicking.

Those two incidents were just around two years apart but right after the close shave with death, i began to slowly change my way of life, getting rid of old but not useful habits and attitude, i went through years of meditation and self-reflection while living in isolation so i could better sort out myself. Then after a few years, i start to be the better authentic self that i hoped to be, with less anger, hatred and fear, i began to work after my National Service and i had found more curiousity in learning and socializing so i sourced for activities such as volunteering and hobby class like vocal lessons. Then soon, i picked up guitar, keyboard, formed a band, start to learn online business (i failed but it's okay, good experience), simple graphic design, cooking, exercising regularly, communicate better with people. Although i had yet to achieved any significant results based on my own standard but this is the kind of life that i had been searching for so long, huge improvements from the old me. No longer a lost soul, found the life that i want and hope to continuously make it better, now i can at least say i am truly living right now and i hope you do too.

All the best for anyone still searching and everyone who had succeed in truly living!

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